This journal is way long over due.
Im sorry it has token me so long to finally be active on here again.
My life was just a big ball of crappy stress. And now that summer is here i finally have some room to breathe and just be myself again. I needed some time to myself to just find myself again, it was hard for me for a while there, everything felt like it was closing in on me and i just couldnt take it anymore.
Now that i actually can just BE i can update you guys
I finally graduated highschool! with straight A's in my last semester, im really proud of that. Softball finally ended for me too, no more sports.. ever :/ but my last year was definitly my best. We as a team won league for the third year in a row and we went to quarter finals in CIF which is farther than any softball team in the history of the school has gone, i cant help but smile and sort of tear up as i write this because i know that is something really special and to be apart of a legacy for my small town fills me with good spirits. I was also awarded by my coaches by being named MVP of defense, which i am super suprised/happy about, because it may seem narsastic but i really was something special on that field. If any of you could have seen me play you would understand. No one could play my position the way i could, and the rush i got when i could throw runners out at home from the outfield gave me the best feeling in the world that i will never forget.. which is partly why im upset about not playing again because that feeling was electrifying. Having everyone you know say "damn i didnt know you had a arm like that" it was just the best.
Softball was my life <3 for thirteen years.. and now its done. Over.
I also decided what i want my profession to be. I want to be a Nurse. I know so many people want to be nurses but i feel good about my career choice because i know it will make a difference in this world..to help and comfort people in need. I am going to be attending Copper Mountain College in the fall, it is small but for now it will do untill i get some of my prereq's out of the way so i can apply for the nursing program, and hopefully when i do apply i will be applying to either Cal State Fullerton or Cal State Long Beach.
All that aside, i feel pretty good, my emotions arent holding back anymore, im tired of hiding the real me from all my friends. A couple of weeks ago this guy i know said something to that really hurt me and i wont ever let him know that but what he said brought back one of my old insecurties...
which is that no one likes me.. i know it sounds... dumb... but when i was younger i was weird, like really weird i said weird things and people would look at me funny and one day i decided that if i wanted to be liked i would have to stop acting like myself and start acting like my "cool" friends, just to fit in. Because when i was myself, no one really liked me. And after all this time i still cant get back to the old me, that weird cute little girl is gone and this hard shell of a person who acts all cool and has cool friends is actually empty on the inside and cant find herself anymore.
This new girl constantly strives to fit in, and follows everyone elses lead. Gets easily influenced by things that she shouldnt.
Im tired, tired of pretending, tired of putting up a wall and showing people a fake shell. I hate myself for letting it go this far. But i cant summon up that little girl anymore. Maybe someday. But for now it is something that is unacheivable for me. I also have some really bad anger problems that have stemed from all of this.. covering up the real me, its hard and i guess it comes out as anger. I at least am recognizing that i do have a problem and im hoping to control it better find an outlet of sorts to empty that anger into, im looking towards meditation actually, maybe some yoga of sorts.
And this song really makes me feel good, i love the lyrics, they mean alot to me, so if you active followers are actually reading this (which i doubt many are) then please go listen to this song : Wide Awake by Katy Perry.
Thats about all i have to say, i feel good letting all that out.
Signing of for now,
Jamie Ann Hayward
Btw i will be uploading some photos in alittle bit from my trip to hawaii, i hope you enjoy them. The serenity of the place is what made me relize my revelation above.